That time I declared my intent to be called a bitch
I've been around the block a time or two at this point in my tech career. At this point my tolerance for arrogance is pretty close to zero. Luckily for me, the number of arrogant engineers is nowhere near close to zero.
A few years ago, I found myself working on a project with a software engineering manager who I found to be quite arrogant and difficult to work with. I wish I could cite a specific example, but I've largely tried to purge him from my memory. He doesn't deserve to live rent free in my mind.
What I do vividly remember is one time when we were chatting in the AWS kitchen. We were lightly debating some topic and I initially felt the need to smooth over, to agree, to go with the flow. But then I reminded myself, I didn't care if this person liked me. I needed to do what was best for the project, in service of getting it out the door. So I reminded myself that I didn't need to people please this guy. I also took the opportunity to remind him.
"I'm totally ok with you calling me a bitch behind my back" I blurted out.
I had never said those words before, and I've never had the occasion to say them since, but I'm pretty sure they had the intended effect. I staked my claim, both in my head and in his, that I wasn't here to get along and play nice and be his helper monkey. I was going to have ideas and opinions of my own and I really didn't care if he found me likable or not.
This flew in the face of the research that suggests women must walk the line between being perceived as competent or liked. In 2007, Catalyst published The Double Bind Dilemma For Women in Leadership: Damned If You Do, Doomed If You Don’t. One of the conclusions of the report is that women leaders are perceived as competent or liked, but rarely both. Women struggle against this ongoing "double bind" concept, monitoring and adjusting their behavior, while wanting to advance in their careers.
Since then, I've continued to walk that line. In wider work forums, I'm often serving in the role of enforcer, which does not lend itself to being cuddly and likable. At the same time, if you get me into a private conversation, I'll joke about how the 90s never died in Seattle and ask about your sister's health issue. I'm claiming both territories for myself, acknowledging but refusing to be locked into the "double bind." Walt Whitman serves as my inspiration on this front, he said it best, "I am large, I contain multitudes."
